I was 150 miles outside the infamous Russian resort, Caketown, known for its large casinos and high stakes crime syndicates. But what it was less known for was its hidden purpose.

            “Bond, you must infiltrate the nuclear installation within 24 hours, or the Russians will put an end to humanity as we know it” M explained with a steel resolve. “The main obstacle stopping you will be the wall protecting the C.E.L.L.S. Installation. Unfortunately, we have limited information about what is behind this wall, as agents 001 through 008053 have lost their lives trying to complete this mission, excluding you of course. You are our only hope Bond.”

            I sighed, mentally preparing myself for the endeavor that lay ahead. I put the Aston Martin into 5^th gear. Reaching Mach 1, I neared the wall at a breakneck speed. Mere miles away from the installation, suddenly I noticed a rocket propelled lysosome hurtling towards my car. As it neared, I recalled the recent stop I made at a gas station.

            As I pumped gasoline into my vehicle, I pondered my career choice. My mom had wanted me to be a simple postman and my father had wanted me to follow him into the mining business. But no I wanted adventure, women, and sports cars. But now I was the last of a breed of special agents designed to take out Russians and to destroy international threats. Dang it. As I squeegeed the windows I remembered my old grandma Ethel and how she always had said “Jimmy, always cook with the oven on.” I had never truly figured out what that meant, but it just popped into my head.

            I quickly jumped out of my car as the RPL blew the my little sports car to pieces. “Blast” I thought, “I left my good suit in that car.” I examined the wreckage and concluded that I would need to contact my insurance agent if I arrived home. I noticed the thick almost tangible layer of smog throughout the region, a vile substance that clogged the air like cheap cologne. As I quickly dusted myself off I pulled out my L-4, a military grade explosive, that could break down walls that were sixty times as thick as this. I swiftly rushed up pulling my duct tape from my shirt and then pulled out a six inch strip and attach the L-4 to the building. I quickly ran from the blast area cleverly ducking behind my burning car and then I heard a tremendous amount of expanding air. Music to my ears. I watched as the cell wall crumbled but realizing that even the Russians would notice a hole in their wall the size of Manhattan, I quickly dashed for cover among the rubble strewn landscape.

            As the sounds of the chase reached my ears I realized I had to make a break for the barbwire fence, the border that the guards patrolled regulated the incoming weapons grade materials and the export of the waste. I quietly snook up behind the poor lone guard, a silorifice to the cause. I subtly pulled a stiletto from my boot and  slit his throat. I cut through the fence and stole quietly into deathly silent streets. My first objective would be to locate the nuclear launch facility.

            “All the Russians must be at home,” I thought to myself but then that was obvious considering it was 1:45 AM. As I slipped from shadow to shadow I looked for signs leading me to the control center. The large cloud of nuclear fallout accumulating over a foreboding building gave me the feeling that I had reached my destination. It was bordered by a magnetic field generated by large electromagnets. Although the field did have several entrances they were hard to find. The difficult part was that if I broke the field I would surely set off an alarm. It was experience gained through trial and error, mostly error in the early missions. But that was all behind me now. I was a notorious agent and had a job to do. So I stole back to the houses. Creeping into one I roused an elderly man. He was an ex-worker I presumed. So I held my lysosome gun close to his head and questioned him about security in the control center. My gamble had paid off he began to talk.

            “Well, if I know this city, and I do, there will be a power cable halfway up the wall on the east side. Now listen up sonnie, those cables run to the electromagnetic generators, the shock’ll send you flying off the scaffolding faster than you can say “Dang those Russians!” I stared at him for a minute, I believed him so I crept out and went to the east side of the facility. Climbing to the cable I was surprised to find that no alarm had been sounded. The old worker was a good person and I made a mental note to try to save him before it all went up in smoke. So I disconnected the cable carefully and slipped down the  wall to the door. My second assignment was to infiltrate the blueprints for the missiles. As I went through the files I casually glanced at my watch- 3:00 AM. Holy darn gosh dang golly gee wilikers where does the time go on these missions? I realized I had no time for this, so I decided that I’d blow everything to smithereens and leave no traces. I left the printing room and went to investigate the uranium stores. I set several L-4 charges discreetly about the room and stole quietly from the room. I placed several more “packages o’ goodness” about on my way out. I had to move quickly or else it would be a bad end for MI6′s last agent.

            I began to walk to the next object to be demolished when I realized that I had not drank a drink or even talked to a girl. It had been three hours on the job, what was I thinking? I unzipped my stealth suit and it revealed my nine hundred dollar suit. I walked into a casino that seemed to be right by the nuclear facility. I walked in combing my hair and taking off my aviator sunglasses and felt right at home. I walked up to the bar, “A vesper martini, shaken not stirred.” As the surly bartender mixed up my concoction, I noticed a young lady clad in leather and a wide brimmed hat smoking a long cigarette. “A drink for the lady?” I said moving to a seat closer to her and she said “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

            My kind of woman. “My name is Bond, James Bond.”

            “It suits you,” says the woman, “ My name is Jennifer Cunningston. Been in town long?”

            “Does that really matter?” I said.

            “No it doesn’t,” said the woman, “Kiss me.”

            At this point I began to rethink the situation. What was I doing? I was in a bar, five hundred miles from home about to kiss a woman who was obviously skilled in the smooth department. Was this what I truly needed? What about when I want to settle down? Why am I kissing this woman? Too late. About three seconds into it I started to taste a strange fluid. What the heck? Was this woman trying to poison me? This was…Edroxymultidefractor a poison that was designed to modify the shape and feel of a human. This woman was an enemy and had used her smooth features to poison me with ER. At that moment I decided to stop this escapade.

            “Alright” I said pumping three lysosome bullets into her side.

            I spat on the ground and realized that there were several rough looking fellows carrying ER poison shooters so I jumped over the table and pumped fifteen more rounds into the air. I made a mad dash for the exit not really caring if I had hit any of them. I ran through the streets and I heard sirens blaring all around me. Then I realized that the best place to hide would be high in the panels that were in the air. These green solar panels converted energy from the sun to electricity. I jumped from panel to panel using my spiked shoes to make sure that I didn’t fall. The rough ER poison shooters followed me from panel to panel. Then the divine mother of inspiration showed me a large silo. This silo was in all militaristic installations. It held oil, gas, and other small arms and explosives. I ran as fast as I could as poisoned tipped bullets flew around me. I jumped and landed on the silo. I quickly ran to the other side of it. I took out some of my L-4 and threw it on the silo and then I ran around to the opposite side carrying the detonator. As my enemies ran around to the middle of the silo I jumped and pressed the detonator. As I ran I heard the ear shattering noise of an explosion. I ran for my life as flaming oil sprayed down all around me.

            With molten oil all around me my only choice was to pull out my standard issue steel poncho/shoe. Shielded from the fiery liquid I smiled to myself “Good ol’ Q.” With the molten death behind me, I remembered my mission. But not before I reached in my pockets and realized my wallet had been removed. That conniving vixen must have slipped it while I wasn’t looking. I guess she got what she  deserved. I stealthy slunk through the shadows back to the Chondria casino, the main source of income for the C.E.L.L.S. installation. I decided one day I would open my own casino, a royal casino, Casino Royale. Furious over the the loss of my wallet, I kicked open the door, running in with my .50 caliber lysosome gatling gun blazing. As the smoke settled, I started wading through the masses of corpses. I made my way to the bar. There in Jennifer’s seemingly lifeless hands was my wallet. Without the contents of that wallet I couldn’t drive my stylish now-nonexistent Aston Martin. I guess I will just get another car from the garage back at HQ. Off in the distance, I heard the sound of a dog bark, and that reminded me: I must complete my mission by destroying the missiles and their distribution methods.

            Walking out of the doors as if nothing had happened, I looked at the phone book and found the location of the missile factory. The most devious dastardly device ever devised and developed by the Russian government: the 84 story RiboDome. Running silent as a fox, I made my way to the factory. Dispatching a couple rough looking ER’s with my pocket shank, I weakened the foundation with my pocket laser and as if by the will of God, a small gust of wind blew down the whole structure. Hundreds of Russian families were now poverty stricken, thus collapsing the remnants of the Russian economy. Patting myself on the back for a job well done, I noticed a truck in the distance. This truck had the familiar orange and purple colors with that wretched phrase on the side: FedEx. This must be how those Russians were transporting all those nuclear missiles. Whipping off my landmine/toupee, I threw it directly in the path of the truck. Looks like those boy scouts lessons on landmine throwing finally paid off. Since I am James Bond and there were still structures standing within a 50 mile radius, I walked to the center of the complex and placed “The Big One”- The LysoMaster 8000. Setting the timer for 5 minutes, I only got about 15 steps away when I heard a shuffling noise behind me. I turn around and there is Jennifer, holding the bomb in her hands, changing the timer from a comfortable 5 minutes to a suicidal 5 seconds. Turning and running for my life, I got just beyond a building when BOOM. Shrapnel pelted my body, puncturing multiple organs. As I my lifeblood gushed out of my body, pooling in a crimson puddle on the cold hard asphalt, I think to myself “I should have just been a miner.”

            The End

Jay Cutler will be the best rookie from ’06- Vince Young? Puh-lease Reagie Bush? The saints are loosing horribly.

LT will run for less- He’s now the most feutured back in the NFL and everyone knows. Less TDs for LT.

Bears will still suck- Rex Grossman sucks thats it.

Detroit- Heck yes 9 wins baby

Peyton Manning Will Kill everyone- No matter what you hear the Colts are champions.

Wild card for the AFC- I like the Texans and the Steelers

My super Bowl Champs- Ravens or Colts, The patriots are all hype and watch out for scandals

MVP- Peyton Manning

Offensive Rookie- Adrian Person

Player to Watch- Alez Smith, Jay Cutler

Broncos Wins will be bases on Team Rushing Yards and Turnovers

It’s Halloween. A time of horror, fear, and getting so scared you want to barf. In the Denver metro area there are a plethora of high rated facilities that would gladly take your money in order to scare you. They have names such as Frightmare, Carnevil, and the Haunted House of Screams. Several of these places, such as Frightmare and The Haunted Mansion are award winning.

In a season which is haunted by below average haunted houses, it is important to know what you want. Some houses have programs for your little brothers or sisters. Some feature very scary attractions and yet some are rather for the timid and easily scared. You should check out what your friends think as well as the houses website. Whether your easily scared or used to external possession there is always a haunted house for you.

If I were you i’d think i’d die

oh mimsy your lifless flick

ever lousy tale

Could you pay my bail

Because as you step into the theater

I beat you father’s car with a parking meter

i’m very bord